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Born of the bearded lady in a travelling circus permanently stationed on hard-standing in west Ireland during the 1840's, Jack 'mind the knee' Merivale was to become one of the most infamous mime performers on the American frontier before returning to the UK to study abstract art installations on the South Bank with the mistress of Sir Edward Elgar between 1901 and 1978.

Having given this up as a bad job, he concentrated his creative energies on cultivating a foppish hair do and developing an unparalleled country whining repertoire. As a means of relaxation away from the strum and drang of such strenuous exploits, the boyish Merivale explored two channels. Firstly, the delights of crouching down and taking balls in his hands with the rest of the boys at Surrey CC as wicket-keeper. Secondly, he began to hone the skills which would some years later see the nation deprived the most sublime footballing talent never to pull on the three lions.

This pre-cursor to McLaren's lowest ebb ('Man under umbrella in pouring rain. Looking like a right tit.' [Merivale/Whore-Bag]; Tate Modern, Nov-Jan) occurred at one of the most sacred sporting arenas in the world: Kelsey Kerridge five-a-side courts in Cambridge. Rarely has such a crippling injury occurred through the involvement of literally no members of the opposition or indeed team-mates. Many thought they were about to witness another mesmerizing fusion of pure footballing ability and mime. Others called "Taxi!" not realising one would soon be required to remove the hobbling genius to Addenbrookes. More thought - quite understandably - that they'd seen some lanky half-wit stack it with both barrels. It was only weeks later, while communicating through a quasi-braille/binary off-shoot taught only by Red-Indians in frontier America (between 1852 and 1852 and a half) that Merivale let it be known that he had decided to dedicate his life to beer commercials and more importantly the study of The Preds.